Rigged Semifinals
Fuck yes!! I'm doing it and so is Ken Li. Do you even know what it is to feel alive if you're not?
NFL RECAP Week 16
49ers 17, Titans 20
You guys 49ers twitter is such a special place. The way in which Garoppolo twisted open a water bottle cap was hotly debated for like 5 days. What does it mean? Does he really have a Grade 3 sprained thumb? Is it a conspiracy to bench him? I fucking wish it was a conspiracy, but the niners organization isn't that smart. I just hope Kyle calls a real game for Trey Lance tomorrow (and not like 20 QB runs) and he lights it up and we never have to see Jimmy again. I wish him the best of luck on the Panthers or wherever the hell he goes, but I want better for my team. And having high standards does not make me a bad fan, who in the fuck came up with that shit? Probably those same people who wanted Alex Smith over Kaepernick and never watched the actual fucking game. Sorry not sorry for this fucking rant. These recaps are my therapy. In addition to my actual therapy, don't worry.
Browns 22, Green Bay 24
How in the world was this game so close? Baker needs like five surgeries this offseason. Trey Lance can take these guys in a playoff game at Lambeau! Haters would tell me to settle down, but they can't steal my joy.
Colts 22, Cardinals 16
The unvaxxed one comes through again! This probably stems from all the Hollywood underdog stories, but there's something so wholesome about a Colts win. And on Christmas! When is the movie coming out starring Kevin James or does he only do Bountygate movies?
Bills 33, Patriots 21
100x more watchable than Round 1, thank god. Damien Harris with 100 yards and 3 TDs. So glad I traded him away in multiple leagues. The process -_-
Jaguars 21, Jets 26
Two promising young QBs end up on these terrible teams. You could argue nobody wins.
But on a positive note:
#FireBaalke was trending for a few days, and there were a shit ton of clown emojis. Was it the pressure or the embarrassment or just common sense that led Shad Khan to this (correct) decision? Either way, my faith in humanity has been restored, and I'm not saying I started this chain of events by writing about Baalke last week, but I'm not not saying it. #humblebrag
Giants 10, Eagles 34
Shit's just sad. I miss Tom Coughlin's cold red face and his disgruntled grandpa energy.
Bucs 32, Panthers 6
I love when a billionaire wants to act like he's a man of the people and tells everyone he just wants to nurture the human spirit by selling the Sonics. Oh wait, wrong one. Lol that shit never gets old, the gift that keeps on giving.
Let's try this again: I love when a billionaire hires a coach because "He dresses like shit and sweats all over himself. He dresses like me so I have to love the guy. I was a short-order cook, he was a short-order cook. Nobody gave him anything, nobody gave me anything." Except the billions of course, but other than that absolutely nothing. So interesting that this didn't work out.
Chargers 29, Texans 41
Football is so fucking confusing at times. We're gonna need a janitor from Goodwill Hunting to fix this mess.
Bears 25, Seahawks 24
Big Dick Nick adds to his legend. God must love him just a little bit more because he never tried to have a foursome.
Steelers 10, Chiefs 36
As sad as it is to say goodbye to Roethlisberger, I think the league will survive with one less rapist. Byeee!
Broncos 13, Raiders 17
I was told Javonte Williams was a league winner because of his fantasy playoff schedule. I don't like being lied to.
Washington 14, Cowboys 56
Some of these teams really need to be relegated.
Dolphins 20, Saints 3
The beauty of Redzone is that they shield me from the bullshit I don't need in my life like Dolphins games. But because of that I didn't realize how completely awful Tua is, and he cost me a semifinal game. Wish I could have started DeShaun Watson instead. But Watson and Waddle are going to be electric next year, leading to so many happy endings.
SEMIFINALS
5 vs 2
Sara 155.14, Scott 142.06
I'm starting to think this league is rigged. I hate beating my buddy Scott. I have no problem admitting that Scott is more knowledgeable about fantasy than me and probably had a better team. I think my advantage is with trades. It's kind of unfair for me to be able to negotiate more easily so I'm sending out a spreadsheet next year with all our contact info.
I traded for AJ Brown during the Chipotle days, and while he's been kind of a liability most of the season, he really came through when I needed him for 26 points. And it still seemed like I was going to lose going into Monday night but then the Miami defense destroyed the soul of Ian Book for 25 points. DST scoring is super random and we might want to reconsider the inclusion of this and kickers next year and/or adding another flex spot or WR or both to reduce variance. The process.
6 vs 1
Ed 94.12, Chere 106.56
Ed's WRs struggled while Chere's thrived, and Damien Harris and his 28-point game made up for some suspect QB play.
TOILET BOWL
Kelsey, I'm glad the rest of your life is going well because you are this year's Toilet Bowl Queen after losing to Jamie last week. Just some bad luck and a couple of unfortunate blackout rage drops (which I totally relate to).
Happy new year and happy championship weekend!!
xo,
Commish
PS I'm ready but so not ready for this at the same time:
More random shit:
