Fantasy Quarterfinals

Apparently - while in Christmas Eve Mass w my Family - I accidentally and unknowingly sent topless photos of myself to AJ Brown. #GodsPlan

NFL RECAP WEEK 14

Raiders 9, Chiefs 48
This is like my life vs Kelsey's life post-divorce, except that I don't have an older brother hyping me as an MVP candidate despite all logic and reason.

Saints 30, Jets 9
Mormon Bowl! Would you rather be forced to watch this game, never drink coffee again, or wear magic underwear? Sophie's choice, Utah edition.

49ers 26, Bengals 23
This would be such a cool, exciting game between two up-and-coming teams except that I already saw this goddamn movie two years ago, and I know Garoppolo isn't good enough to win a Super Bowl. (I wrote this before the Titans game btw, and now even our GM agrees.)

Bears 30, Packers 45
If I never have to watch these teams in prime time again it will be too soon.

Rams 30, Cardinals 23
Stafford has suffered enough in his career and his personal life based on the little I know about Kelly Stafford. Let him enjoy this sliver of happiness with his breakfast club buddy.

NFL RECAP WEEK 15

Chiefs 34, Chargers 28
Miss me with the Brady/Rodgers verbal blow jobs. But if people want to gush about Mahomes and Herbert for 3.5 hours, I'm totally into it. Can't help but smile and nod. Also, little did we know there were barely any fantasy points to be had in week 15 outside of this game.

Patriots 17, Colts 27
I want to thank Frank Reich and Jonathan Taylor for their service to this country.

Cardinals 12, Lions 30
Such a huge fuck you to bettors and society in general. Chaos is a ladder.

Jets 24, Dolphins 31
Speaking of chaos, where in the motherfuck did FUCKING DUKE JOHNSON come from?! They're just lucky I won in spite of starting Gaskins because hell hath no fury like a fantasy manager who woke up at 6am to freak out about her quarterfinals lineup.

Cowboys 21, Giants 6
Giants fans want a winning culture, not free soda. It's bad for your health, sugar and losing. If you want your fans to die faster just bring back Gettleman and Daniel Jones next year. I might drop Saquon Barkley so that's where we're at.

Texans 30, Jaguars 16
The greatest trick Trent Baalke ever pulled was convincing Jed York to fire Harbaugh and hire Jim Tomsula. His second greatest trick was somehow getting another GM job. He's just as shady and incompetent as Urban Meyer, but he would rather stab someone in the back than kick a player or finger a coed in public. To each his own.

Saints 9, Bucs 0
Some soccer score bullshit. Traditionally Tom Brady does let his fantasy teams down in the playoffs (outside of last year) but woooow! I just hope they can find comfort at the bottom of a bowl of avocado ice cream. Thoughts and prayers.

QUARTERFINALS

Week 14 came down to the wire on Monday night football, Eli needed 5.6 points from Tyler Higbee to beat Chere and make the playoffs. But Monday morning Higbee tested positive for COVID and couldn't play. His backup Kendall Blanton only scored 3.9 so Chere got the 1 seed and Ed made the playoffs!

Byes: 1) Chere, 2) Scott

5 vs 4
Sara 133.44, Omar 116.04

Omar has a great team, probably the best in the leagues tbh, but week 15 was super fucked up and no one on his team really went off includiing Deebo and Nick Chubb. My team was up and down but 30 points from Mahomes and 25 from Brandin Cooks (who I almost benched) put me over the top.

6 vs 3
Ed 150.76, Matt 74.16

Rodgers and Herbert gave Ed a solid foundation. Gabriel Davis with 23 points was just icing on the cake.

TOILET BOWL

Byes: Ruth & Eli

Tyreek Hill and Cooper Kupp are dragging Colleen and Rob out of the basement.

Merry Fucking Christmas to the best league ever!! Good luck in week 16! Love you guys!

xo,
Commish

P.S. My gift to you is making fun of my stupid team: