Q1 Fantasy Recap
Nick Bosa approves of this trade. We're slowly turning into the Patriots but without the wins or pedigree.
"CMC is just here so they can get better field position for Robbie Gould." Ken Li is too accurate (per usual). But don't sleep on all the pre-snap motion and misdirection to get those open looks for Kyle Juszcyk and Ross Dwelley.
I already gave up on this season when Trey for Equal Pay $$ broke his ankle. Nothing can hurt me now. But it is fun when your team is making moves and you get to reminisce about all those wasted 3rd round picks.
Happy Fall! Go grab a PSL and some negative air yards to celebrate CMC in red and gold.
NFL RECAP WEEK 6
Commanders 12, Bears 7
Thursday night games are like the Amazon Basics version of the NFL. We'll watch it but only while questioning the life choices that led us here.
Note to self, only roster guys who would take a bullet for this team.
49ers 14, Falcons 28
Average white guy gets 5,000 chances to prove himself. Am I talking about Jimmy or Kyle? And miss me with that inspirational Arthur Smith origin story.
Niners can't hurt me, but they can still annoy the fuck out of me. Do you know who replaced our nerdy, adorable OC Mike McDaniel? Chris Foerster aka the O-line coach who got fired from the Dolphins because he filmed himself doing coke at their facility. First class only in this organization. I can’t unsee the video, but guess Shanahan wanted to give him another chance. This dude is white too, obviously. A minority coach would never get another job after something like that. They’re let go for going .500.
Patriots 38, Browns 15
Bellichick got fired from the Browns almost 30 years ago and still holds a grudge. I completely respect it.
Jets 27, Packers 10
Ayahuasca is a helluva drug. Totally here for all the QB / head coach drama.
Jaguars 27, Colts 34
There are no good players, only good matchups.
Vikings 24, Dolphins 16
Speaking of private brands.
Bengals 30, Saints 26
I would call it a revenge game, but the Bengals moved into the “I wish him the best” phase years ago.
Ravens 20, Giants 24
“Chaos is a ladder.” “Outlast everyone.” Advice given for surviving / thriving at Amazon. Also a popular sports strategy when your team has inferior talent. Brian Daboll with that L8 coaching.
Bucs 18, Steelers 20
Brady tried to tell us, but we misinterpreted his quote. “Favorite ring is the next one.” First of all, same. Secondly, realizing you have a different vision for your future and blowing up your whole life is hard enough. But losing to Pickett / Trubisky when you’re the GOAT, that’s a killer. It’s mental health awareness month, right? I think that’s what I keep hearing at work, in between Game of Thrones quotes and requests to upload PDFs to smartsheet. Anyway, if we want to give this man a break with like a few more phantom roughing-the-passer calls so he can rack up the Ws, I’m fine with it.
Giselle deserves good vibes too, but I don’t think she needs them as much because she’s still so beautiful, and I’ve learned that Brazilians need to go through at least one divorce and two affairs (minimum) on their journey to true happiness. Don’t believe me? Just ask my dad who’s still on his first marriage.
Panthers 10, Rams 24
Pretty meaningless win considering the Panther's fire sale during the game. But I just traded for my boy Stafford in my other main league so I’ll take it! That’s my quarterback <3
Cardinals 9, Seahawks 19
Kyler Murray was quiet quitting before it was trendy. Gotta admire a man for honing his craft at the expense of his day job. He's a hero for the common person who values their kill/death ratio and other hobbies above their profession, which is most of us. Fantasy > Freight all day, but today Kyler actually inspired me to put that into practice so that's why I'm writing this now. Ya know, he could be at a strip club or doing coke in an office at the team building. This is actually a pretty wholesome story of a man nurturing his mental health. Not that you can't do that with strippers. Hope Trey Lance is getting his reps in, keep that throwing arm loose.
Speaking of kings, the Seahawks are so much more likable now with Geno. Hated Russ from Day 1, and he’s just so Day 2, amirite? Wow, ok last Amazon reference, but I can’t help it if I Am Right, A Lot. I've been hating this guy for like 12 years. Never wrong, just early. And I want to take this time to welcome society out of the shadows and into the light of the haters’ bandwagon. Plenty of room and 11 more weeks to watch Russ burn dinner. How delightful.
Bills 24, Chiefs 20
I could watch these teams play each other every weekend! Also Josh Allen was totally worth the $56 for that awesome hurdle and the peace of mind knowing you have a real one in your lineup. Fucking priceless.
Cowboys 17, Eagle 26
Broncos 16, Chargers 19
Chargers’ social media team remains undefeated. I want to be them when I grow up.
2021 SEASON RECAP
I won this league for the 4th time in 9 years. I'm not actually that good at fantasy, but I did get kinda lucky. Acquired Mahomes and AJ Brown in trades when they had bad vibes and ate Chipotle, and I drafted Jonathan Taylor to spite Eli. Trust the process.
POWER RANKINGS
1 Jamie & Evan — Have built a beautiful team together but is it real life or a Gonzaga 1 seed situation? Rough bye week coming up, I feel that.
2 Kelsey — Super solid team and bench (Mahomes, Breece, Call of Duty Champ). You wouldn't know this was a 14-team league by her roster.
3 Colleen — You da real MVP. You managed to outlast us all at bux and idk how the fuck we let you autodraft Mark Andrews. Outsmarted again, shiiiit.
4 Sara — Sex is cool, but have you ever started Gabe Davis in your flex?
5 Scott — Our favorite reformed Pledge Master always has a legit team. Josh Allen, Ekeler, St. Brown and Stafford. This is like my ultimate fantasy.
6 Dana — The newb is doing alright, but not getting any help from Russ or JK "I'm not actually gonna ever play" Dobbins. PS I heard you're having your 5th kid!! Omfg congrats, I can barely handle one. You and your wife are amazing, patient people.
7 Ed — Scorching the earth with an RB room that is straight fire: Pierce, Stevenson and Swift. Can we trade please?
8 Matt — Saquon and two great QBs in Herbert and Lamar but the rest of this team needs to get on their level.
9 Rob — Is AWS as glamorous as it sounds or is it just a Ryan Tannehill in a sea of Carson Wentzs?
10 Chere — Should get an extra 25 points weekly for working with Neil, maybe 50. At least you'll probably beat me this week. I deserve to lose for bringing you onto that team.
11 Chaq — As the most well-liked person in our league by far, you need to change your team name to something besides "Automatic Garbage." Can't have that negative self-talk, buddy. Don't speak that way about our friend or the great Jonathan Taylor. He's just off to a slow start, like last year.
12 Bergey & Eli — Little bit of bad luck here but the Eagles are 6-0! Also pumpkin patch game 100.
13 Omar — Little bit of bad luck for here but the Cowboys have a great defense, and they're getting Dak back! Must be nice to have a real life team that is relevant.
14 Ruth — It may look like she's in last place, but Ruf out here playin 5D Chess. She was on the zero RB train last year before it was mainstream, and now she's taking it to the next level by rostering literally every backup RB who is one injury away from greatness. We never even had a chance at Eno Benjamin or Kenneth Walker because they were already on her roster. Thanks for saving me from myself, and forcing me to conserve my FAAB dollars in this economy.
Good luck in week 7! Love you all like the niners love burning through RBs. Can't fucking wait.
xo,
Commish
PS I want to take a poll, would you be offended by this if you were single and on dating apps?
I think it’s pretty funny, but some people think The Office is funny so wtf do I know.