Playoffs, BCB, Football & Dating
For those of us who are not quite in the holiday spirit yet, I'm posting these underdog legends as a reminder that anything is possible. Whether it's a helmet catch or some weird guy dating the hottest women on earth, keep chasing that dream!! Permission to be optimistic. This is why I love sports, for the Cinderella stories and magical comebacks. Hope is dangerous, but I'm all in on Brock Purdy, LFG!!!!!!
NFL RECAP WEEK 15
49ers 21, Seahawks 13
"Feels great baby!" I would totally finish this recap but I gotta go sweep my house. Waited too long for this shit, but omfg we're finally good again!! The fan base is already comparing BCB to Joe Montona and Trey Lance to Steve Young so I'm sure this will end well.
I'm always surprised when I see a Nick Bosa jersey, but then I remember a lot of people identify as moderate.
Colts 36, Vikings 39
Can someone explain to me the difference between Kirk Cousins, Mac Jones, and Matt Ryan? Straight out of Kyle Shanahan's fantasies.
My personal fave is Cousins, obviously.
Ravens 3, Browns 13
Justin Tucker missing field goals and Deshaun Watson winning games. This is not the energy we need for 2023, nor do we need to see Ray Lewis on TV ever again. He should just disappear forever like a cream-colored suit with blood stains.
Dolphins 29, Bills 32
Both teams took their pregame viagra to battle the elements. I get way too excited about the AFC playoffs and any Mike McDaniel content.
Eagles 25, Bears 20
Just when it looked like the Eagles were cruising to the 1 seed with Hurts as MVP, they get a harsh reality check.
I see no lies.
Lions 20, Jets 17
Heartwarming af af. Truly happy for both these teams to be competitive and relevant. It's like watching two of my best friends find love. Here’s a reminder of how far they’ve come.
Steelers 24, Panthers 16
Trubisky vs Darnold feels a little XFLish, but they can't all be bangers.
Cowboys 34, Jaguars 40
Allegedly the Cowboys have an elite defense, but I guess that's only versus Democrats.
Chiefs 30, Texans 24
Fuck around and find out that your kicker is a "fat fucking piece of shit" (Kelsey, 2012). Also why are the Texans suddenly so feisty? Did they all get happy endings for Christmas?
Cardinals 15, Broncos 24
No one cares about this game so let's talk about something else. Last spring I dated this guy who wanted to debate me for literally hours that Russell Wilson was a lock to get into the Hall of Fame.
Who the hell is picking these guys for me to go out with, like the Dave Gettleman of matchmaking.
Or maybe the Broncos fan who ranked Tim Tebow above Wilson in preseason was a keeper. But he freaked out when I sent him that "Hinge is a waiver wire" joke. It's like what is your relationship with the waiver wire first of all, and what is your relationship with yourself? I'm Christian Watson over here so idgaf (yes I know he had a bad game last night). I hate to say it but one of the worst dates I've ever been on was recently with a fucking 49ers fan. I said I was excited for Brock Purdy because I had wanted them to play him after Trey got hurt. Condescending af he says, "I highly doubt a 7th round rookie will be an upgrade." MFer have you ever watched Garoppollo? I highly doubt many women stay for a second drink, I didn’t. But it's all good, I do it for the fantasy blog. You’re welcome.
Still recovering over here. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time.
Patriots 24, Raiders 30
Die a hero or live long enough to see yourself hire Matt Patricia.
Titans 14, Chargers 17
This game was just a vibe check simulation.
Bengals 34, Bucs 23
Forecast says Cold AF which can only mean Joe Brrrrrrrrrrrrrow SZN.
Giants 20, Washington 12
Have I ever mentioned sports are rigged?
Rams 12, Packers 24
The Raiders were an Easy-Bake Oven, but don't let Baker bake irl.
POWER RANKINGS
Contenders
1 Scott – Back on top like the fantasy boss we know and love! Lightning fast with those waiver adds too. That's actually how I get my fantasy news, when I see Scott making moves.
2 Jamie (NOT Evan, my bad) – My neighbor is once again reminding me who is the queen of Gatewood. But if Jalen Hurts is out, that will really hurt her chances.
3 Kelsey — A heroic battle vs injuries all season (Breece Hall, Kyler, to name a few), but Mahomes, DK foursome & Najee did enough to get her a top 3 regular season finish. Keep knocking on the door, Kels! You're gonna win one of these years. Positive regression. Let's make a vision board (I'm not joking).
4 Sara — Ten years later I'm still fucking with Andy Dalton. No red flags or real-life parallels to see here. The only difference between then and now is it's AJ Brown instead of AJ Green bailing me out. How does AJ Brown always know when I need a big game? He's like my Christmas gift to myself, and I deserve the best. So why didn't I draft him in any other league?
5 Colleen — This B, I mean wonderful person, really just beat me with Latavius Murray (130 yds, 1 TD). What the actual fuck. However, she does have a pretty solid team besides him (Tyreek, CMC), and $100 of FAAB (who are you people with that kind of money) so watch out for the Starbucks Illuminati HBIC.
6 Eli / Bergey — After just missing the playoffs last year, they were able to squeak in thanks to Rob beating Omar. Shit was bananas (sorry, couldn't help myself). On paper you wouldn't say this team has any superstars (except maybe Fields), but it's AJ Dillon SZN so you never know. Getting a BDN, Philly Special vibe. *UPDATE* I wrote this last night, and now look who's back in our lives starting for the Colts!
Pretenders
7 Rob — If he wasn't so busy re:inventing this life, he probably could have made the playoffs. Priorities. It's interesting though, last year he drafted Cooper Kupp, and this year he drafted Josh Jacobs. What is your inside track on these fantasy sleepers, West Seattle Dads Secret Society? I fucking knew it.
8 Bryan — Chaq made a late season run with Pollard, Diggs and The Prince Who Was Promised, finally self-actualized after working through the trauma of Urban Meyer, Trevor MFing Lawerence. Chaq's not losing another game. Kings stay kings, even in the toilet bowl.
9 Omar — In a league full of, let's be honest, the coolest and most amazing people on earth #humblebrag, Omar is probably the smartest / sneakiest one. Two years in a row you had one of the best teams. If we look at total points, you should have made the playoffs over me. The universe is gonna make this up to you. Like a perfect yellow banana, your time is coming.
10 Ed — You guys, a 14-team league is no joke! Ed does everything right, but sometimes it's just not your year. You'll be back next year, stronger than ever with Jordan Love (if Scott doesn't outbid you).
11 Dana — Like many "analysts" and the Broncos front office, Dana was duped by DangerRuss, but still did a great job in his first year in the league.
12 Chere — I'm old enough to remember when Nick Chubb and Mike Evans were fantasy studs, like a month ago. Just like on APB, you're doing everything you can to make this team better, so don't blame yourself. Better days ahead.
13 Ruth — The creative vision for her team came to full bloom in week 15. Unfortunately it was too late to be appreciated by the masses (aka yahoo!), as is often the case. It's such a burden to be an innovator, but don't quit, we love you!!
14 Matt — Pandemic aside, the weirdest thing about 2020 was Matt winning our league. Just fucking with you, you've had some bad luck with Herbert & Lamar not meeting expectations.
Quarterfinals
Sara 122.52 vs Colleen 123.64
It was an evenly matched battle, AJ Brown vs Tyreek Hill, Dalvin Cook vs CMC. But Harrison Butker (FFPOS) had other plans for me. Losing by 1 point when your kicker misses a PAT in addition to a 25 yard kick, I guarantee you I'm angrier than the entire Chiefs roster combined; they still won the game. This is enough to make me consider eliminating the kicker position. At least no one can say this league is rigged, unless I’m playing 5D chess out here. Long game.
Kelsey 88.66 vs Eli 114.94
What did Kelsey ever do to these Cardinals QBs?? Did she “vet” Kliff Kingsbury or something? Hot, but he seems pretty dumb (please keep him in the division). Two weeks in a row Kyler and now Colt McCoy abandon her basically at the beginning of the game. Tough to win football games like that, especially when Eli is over here stacking RBs for winter.
Semifinal Preview
1 Scott vs 6 Eli
2 Jamie vs 5 Colleen
Good luck in week 16! Happy holidays to the best league ever!!
xo,
Commish
