Late AF, per usual, Fantasy Recap

Having a real QB is a form of generational wealth. It’s funny people call him a game manager or a system QB. This is the first time the system has actually worked! I can never unsee Brian Hoyer, CJ Beathard, Nick Mullens (back at it), and Jimmy. The game was fucking broken until this Brockstar fixed it.

It’s been a fucked up year for seemingly everyone. I missed Thanksgiving and the Sagittarius birthdays, but I thought about writing a recap every week! Maybe I was stuck in stand-still traffic or just depressed, but I’m taking a LOA at work so that means more time for football! What am I gonna do on my LOA? idk probably sit around and listen to the sounds of dolphins mating to guide me on my healing journeys. Whatever my spiritual shaman A-Aron advises me to do.

Good luck this week spending time with your families. To quote fan-favorite Jamal Adams, “Yikes”.

Austin hits me with “I hate football” and “I’m ready for a new mommy” weekly, nbd.
It’s fine, the world might be ending soon anyway:

NFL Week 14

Patriots 21, Steelers 18

I forgot the Pats actually won this game because all the talk this week has been about Belichick’s last season in New England. Was this the beginning of the end?

Bucs 29, Falcons 25

Toxic groupthink is 100% responsible for the rise of Arthur Smith. He’s just a rich kid who tries to make other people feel stupid when they question his dumbass choices, like running Jonnu Smith instead of Bijan at the goal line.

You guys I have so much Arthur Smith content I’ve been saving for 14 weeks. Buckle up, this is just the tip.

Lions 13, Bears 28

Apparently Goff is the next Roethlisberger because he plays much better at home. Otherwise, to the relief of all sorority girls everywhere, that’s all they have in common. I like how Big Ben just pops up out of nowhere to talk shit and remind us how much we hated him. We’ll take “fine” any day.

Colts 13, Bengals 34

The prettiest backup at the ball, can Jake Browning keep this up or will he turn back into a PSL vs the Vikings? Pretty sure Nick Mullens is the basic one tho.

Jaguars 27, Cleveland 31

These are old but still feel relevant:

Panthers 6, Saints 28

When your team is openly fighting, but you still manage to complete your projects. Definitely not speaking from personal experience as a pawn in GoT Delivery Edition. Or maybe it’s Event Horizon.

Texans 6, Jets 30

Speaking of work vibes, I think this represents our collective morale:

Rams 31, Ravens 37

Stafford is finally getting his accolades, but only because people thought the Rams were going to be the worst team in football. A relatable American hero.

Vikings 3, Raiders 0

Imagine a team putting up a goose egg and then scoring 63 points the next week. This shit is completely random. All our research means nothing.

Seahawks 16, 49ers 28

Watch us lose to the Cardinals now. Is it finally finally our year, 30 years later?!!

I give Kyle so much shit, but it seems like he’s learned a lot about himself in the last year.

Kyle is lowkey dying to show everyone he can win with Sam Darnold.

Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don’t.

It’s no secret this man wants to go back to the Pre-Civil War era.

Bills 20, Chiefs 17

The refs are scared of Sean McDermott’s terrorist ties. And besides, questionable calls are the reason you won two Super Bowls, so chill the fuck out.

Broncos 24, Chargers 7

Eagles 13, Cowboys 33

Can an injured Jalen Hurts hold on to lock up the division and get me a fantasy playoff win? I should be worried about seeing the Cowboys in the NFC Championship, but I’m not because of McCarthy.

Titans 28, Dolphins 27

Nothing like a come-from-behind win! And Nashville is the best! But Mike McDaniel is universally beloved, so you hate to see this for him. I hope he finds his own Brock Purdy out there somewhere.

Packers 22, Giants 24

2022 Season Recap

Colleen is the unquestioned 1.01 of humans beings, and now she's also a MFing fantasy champion!!! We love you so much!

Rumor has it Scott was so triggered from his loss in the championship that he logged 80 hours of podcasts this summer. And it seems to have paid off.

Power Rankings

1 Scott — The separation is in the preparation, baby! First round byes are nothing new for our favorite visual merchandising manager.

2 Omar — When your homer Cowboys pick finally pays off! Omar is so overdue for a fantasy title.

3 Eli (Bergey) — We can’t say he just snuck in this year, and his team is looking good, aside from TE and QBs. But no one has good QBs.

4 Chere — Karma is the guy on the Chiefs... taking Chere to the promise land! Only rostering one QB in superflex is a power move. Good thing that QB is the league MVP!!

5 Dana — Rostering two kickers, but who am I to judge? The question is which version of Goff and Love are we gonna get this week?

6 Sara — Limping into the playoffs is not a good look for me, and I have no choice but to be all in on Will Levis. If this guy wins me a title I’ll eat a banana with the peel and put mayo in my coffee for a year, like some poor man’s Bulletproof coffee. MNF gave me hope for the underdogs.

7 Ruf — Led the league for weeks and just slipped recently, but she already won in real life because she quit Amazon and knows true freedom.

8 Rob — Just here to fuck with the playoff seeding (mostly mine, ugh). If they ever move re:invent to the spring or summer we’ll actually be in trouble.

9 Kelsey — This just means all your real life moves are gonna work out!! I fucking know it.

10 Matt — I’m kinda concerned for my Pathfinder buddy who really needs to get my other buddy Stafford some help.

11 Chaq — I just wanted to say thanks for always trading with me all of these years. You're the real MVP.

12 Ed — It hurts me to see Ed in this position, and he actually has a good team despite these results. If we dive deeper into the data, it reveals that Ed has had the most points scored against him by far. Positive regression is coming next year.

13 Colleen — All the 2-12 teams welcoming back Justin Jefferson.

14 Jamie — She has a lot going on. It's like a miracle all of us are even surviving tbh. Next year is our year.

Playoff Matchups

First round byes: 1 Scott, 2 Omar

3 Eli / Sarah vs 6 Sara

4 Chere vs Dana 5

Good luck in the playoffs and consolations, happy holidays!! Love you guys!!

xo,
Commish