Christmas Semifinals, online dating updates
“Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.” — Pussycat Dolls (and others, I guess)
Russ dreamed of getting Pete fired and taking the shackles off the offense under the tutelage of Sean Payton. But when he finally got what he wanted there was no Drew-Brees-fairytale bromance. And maybe the Seahawks guardrails were there to protect him from himself. Throwing shade at Russ is so mainstream at this point it’s not even fun for me anymore, which is the real tragedy in all of this.
So I always want more football, but three full days including all of Christmas Eve and Christmas was excessive. I spent the long weekend trying to keep it together in spite of Addison getting hurt, Pollard missing the end zone, Tommy DeVito getting benched. But I completely lost it during the Ravens Niners game, freaking out while trying to explain to my sisters that only Aiyuk can catch the ball and not Kittle because if they’re gonna lose anyway, my fantasy team might as well win. And it’s ok Purdy had a bad game because he was playing against me, and he will learn and grow from these mistakes for the postseason, but my guys won’t have that opportunity.
Product of ivermectin and being in the closet your whole life (source: my sister).
Let’s check-in on the corporate work vibes:
Can I please suck at life but keep gettting opportunities and promotions?
NFL Recap Week 16
Saints 22, Rams 30
The fantasy semis kicked off with a banger! Puka, Kyren, Olave and the QBs all delivered. But Kamara, Kupp and Taysom Hill’s ever-shrinking package did not.
I love when blowing all your money early was the right choice because I’m going to do it regardless.
I understand why Stafford gets to the Ram’s facility at 5am for those breakfast club meetings.
Bengals 11, Steelers 34
Rudolf had to win the week of Christmas , and Tomlin can’t have a losing season. Some Disney bullshit from our script writers.
Bills 24, Chargers 22
Surprisingly close game between the hottest team in football and the worst team in football. Or maybe it’s just your average Chargers game where they lose on a last-second field goal.
I manage to talk myself into the Chargers at the beginning of every season. It’s those sweet powder blue uniforms I think, and a few of my favorite players so I hope for the best. It’s kinda like when I was dating and would meet a tall, good-looking guy who had a kid Austin’s age. It’s like well according to the data and my projection model, our daughters are going to be best friends, and we’ll be a picture perfect family. Some Brandon Staley math. But at least I know not to play Mike Williams in a meaningless game.
Colts 10, Falcons 29
Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Arthur Smith. It’s basically a right of passage in the fantasy community.
Seahawks 20, Titans 17
The Seahawks just want the liberals to get excited about football.
Lions 30, Vikings 24
The writers/refs gonna give us Stafford at Detroit on wildcard weekend!!
A few years ago I wrote on that online dating is like trying to find a tight end on the waiver wire, meaning it was pretty frustrating and difficult. Scarcity mindset, bad attitude, etc.
But not this season! There are so many good TEs that I can’t even hoard them for trading. We knew about Andrews, Kittle, Hockenson, Kelce (?) but now we also have LaPorta is giving us Gronk vibes, McBride getting almost double digit targets, Likely is nice, Kincaid was great til Al-Qaeda stepped in, Njoku with Flacco is on fir—really great, and then there’s Engram, Goedert, Schultz and a bunch of other guys who have consistent roles on their offense.
Online dating is hard because there is minimal information on a profile. You have no idea what someone is like, but you think you know. All kinds of Sam LaPortas out there in disguise as Cade Otton or Eric Ebron. Stay woke!
The perfect first date doesn’t exis—
I know I’m dating a nice guy because when our fantasy team was in last place in like week 10 (beyond embarrassing) he didn’t get mad at me. It’s nice to know that someone will support you at your worst so that you can be your best. Don’t worry I pulled it together, our little team won four straight to sneak into the playoffs and now we’re in the championship! Phew.
Allegedly the weekend after New Years is peak online dating SZN. Not that anyone in our league is dating, but to anyone who is or anyone getting divorced, you got this!
Commanders 28, Jets 30
Didn’t realize Trevor Siemian was so obsessed with Breece Hall or I would have fucking started him.
Packers 33, Panthers 30
Didn’t see any of this game, but Jaire Alexander is my new favorite.
Browns 36, Texans 22
When it comes to ruining my life Joe Flacco, agent of chaos, is elite. And yet I can’t help but root for him at this point in his career. I’m getting old too, but I want to believe that people also underestimate me and the best is yet to come.
Jaguars 12, Bucs 30
Baker out here showing he can win with great weapons in a shitty division too. And maybe he even eats ice cream.
Cardinals 16, Bears 27
John Gannon is the guy you have to date to repair your ego after going out with a musician who is too hot and too cool for you. I’m sure I’ve been the John Gannon for some guys too, but I still feel slightly guilty when I see him on tv. Luckily it’s the Cardinals tho so they’re barely on.
Cowboys 20, Dolphins 22
I know at least one person who needs to hear this. You are Tyreek Hill. You are not a side chick. This is your year!
Pats 26, Broncos 23
Who needs a generational QB anyway.
Raiders 20, Chiefs 14
Between the emojis, slime, and showing Taylor Swift every 5 minutes, my daughter actually wanted to watch this game! First time for everything!
Giants 25, Eagles 33
It was miserable.
Ravens 33, 49ers 19
There are two explanations for what happened here:
1) Some Looper / Terminator shit!
2) Daddy issues
It didn’t say “End domestic violence” in the end zone, ok? This isn’t even the worst Ray they celebrate. We’ll see you in the Super Bowl assholes, and we’ll be ready.
Quarterfinals
Chere 110.34, Dana 112.26
Losing a close game in the playoffs is brutal. But karma is coming back around for you Chere! Goff’s huge game put Dana over the top.
Sara 150.18, Eli 123.52
My lions LaPorta and Gibbs put the team on their back.
Semifinals
Omar 104.32, Dana 105.64
Dana can’t keep getting away with this! Feel horrible for Omar to lose by one point when his kicker missed his only field goal try. It seems impossible for a kicker to get a 0 when his team puts up points, and yet here we are. CeeDee belongs in the championship, but I hope you guys can make it next year.
Sara 123.78, Scott 152.66
Scott has the best team and deserves to win it all. I can live with losing to a friend who is as hardcore as me, maybe he’s even more dedicated to his craft.
Best of luck in week 17!! I can’t believe this is our last one together, wtf just happened. And happy new year!! All the good vibes for 2024!
xo,
Commish