End of Times Fantasy Recap
Voters when it’s time to make the easiest decision of their lives:
It's Nick Bosa and Britney Mahomes' America. What a fucking nightmare. What am I supposed to tell my daughter? "Sorry honey, no matter what you do you'll always be second tier in this country, but at least Nico Collins is coming off of IR. The dog days of streaming WR3s are over, amirite?!"
Because I'm a psycho, football and fantasy still spark joy for me. We have to laugh if only to keep from crying, and when you feel like you have nowhere to turn, just make fun of the 49ers:
Obligatory Starbucks content:
NFL Recap Week 9
Texans 13, Jets 21
The ghost of a good QB vs a Frankenstein WR core. Happy Halloween!
Cowboys 21, Falcons 27
Jerry Jones is the definition of "ask for help."
Dolphins 27, Bills 30
Raiders 24, Bengals 41
Parity in the NFL is a lie, kinda like democracy.
Chargers 27, Browns 10
It's easy to be happy for Harbaugh and Herbert because we know they've both been through the worst. Oh hi, Jed York. Where’s that Super Bowl banner at?
Patriots 17, Titans 20
Little did we know that Mason Rudolph's victory was foreshadowing. But even in darkness there is light, and that's Drake Maye. Bad team, bad coach, but he's pretty awesome.
Commanders 27, Giants 22
Giants: Improving the culture of our organization takes time, and probably involves going to the office 5 days a week, but it doesn’t happen overnight.
Commanders: The fuck it don’t.
Saints 22, Panthers 23
Derek Carr can sleep at night knowing it was God's plan to give Chris Olave 5 concussions.
Broncos 10, Ravens 41
I feel like Bo Nix and the Broncos offense were fake news, so it's nice to see them get blown out, like the universe was trying to find balance and harmony. Life finds a way, except when it refuses to vote in its own self-interest.
Jaguars 23, Eagles 28
Sometimes you gotta breakup to be your best self. Shoutout to all the divorcees in our league. I'm too excited for you guys and all your future backwards hurdles!
Is this the new fish photo?
Bears 9, Cardinals 28
"I really thought it was going to be different this time." Time is a flat circle, and forgetting that is part of the circle.
Lions 24, Packers 14
Hope Jordan Love can get healthy so the next time they meet it’s fantasy gold, and not just working-class frustration.
Rams 26, Seahawks 20
The division is mid af, but I went to this game, and it was a classic! That TD throw in overtime, so beautiful. Fantasy owners welcoming everyone else to the Stafford bandwagon a decade later.
Colts 13, Vikings 21
I'm offended, shocked and hurt. This game had no business in primetime.
Bucs 24, Chiefs 30
They can't keep getting away with it!! I fucking hate the Chiefs. Props to Baker, though. He's carrying a few of my teams, including this league. “Careful, he’s a hero” memes all day.
Fantasy Power Rankings
At least this biracial woman from the Bay Area with an immigrant parent can be on top. Don't worry, America. It's just a fantasy.
1 Sara
2 Scott
3 Ruf
4 Eli / Bergey
5 Kelsey
6 Omar
7 Dana
8 Matt
9 Ed
10 Jamie
11 Rob
12 Chaq
13 Colleen
14 Chere
Good luck in week 10, and um with this fucking life.
xo,
Commish