Sagittarius Szn Black Magic
Me getting ready to host a sleepover with 10 second grade girls:
Praying for the Lord to deliver me from not being able to say no to my daughter. Not my fault, it's in His hands now.
I hope this isn't a preview of the year I'm about to have, but on Monday, which was my fucking birhtday, Ken Li knocked me out of the playoffs in his league with Marvin fucking Mims of all goddamn random players. This bad beat, in addition to turning 42, seasonal depression, and probably being exhausted and overwhelmed, has spawned a deep existential crisis. And I'm not the only one wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life and if anything even matters. Seems like everyone is going through it, even if they didn't lose to Marvin Mims. So yeah... I guess we just gotta have a warrior's spirit and a Jameis Winston mindset. Happy holidays?
How I view society post-election:
Do we need some 49ers-based comic relief?
Lol we're not gonna have to worry about these "10 point leads" or "close games" for a while. The highlight of the 2024 season was the Brock Purdy Paw Patrol commercial. So earnest and sweet, and Brock Purdy is just Ryder in an alternate universe.
Only Satan knows when he'll recover mentally and physically from this trauma.
Kyle Shanahan has become a real controversial figure amongst the fan base:
Do I want Kyle gone after this season? Yes.
Will he get another job easily? Yes, don't care.
Can we do better? Maybe. Shouldn't we at least try? Vrabel, Belichick, Ben Johnson? I feel like Kyle has had chance after chance in the playoffs and blew it. When you're such a fucking genius that you're arrogant and stubborn and mind fuck yourself refusing to run the ball with a lead in the Super Bowl x2. I'm ready to lose in a new way with a new person.
Is there any chance he gets fired at the end of the season? No. If nothing else the Yorks are real cheap and last year they extended Kyle through 2027. IMO it was a big deal for them to even pay Deebo and Aiyuk when so many times they've tried to cut corners on cost (trading away DeForest Buckner probably cost us a Super Bowl, for example). I'm very worried now we're gonna go back to the days of overpaying bad players like Torrey Smith to avoid paying good players what they deserve.
NFL Recap
Bears 20, Lions 23
Not to be negative, but I’m pretty sure the Niners are gonna lose to the Bears today.
Also Dan Campbell goes for it every 4th down because he's trying to restore a culture of toughness after this shit:
Raiders 17, Chiefs 19
Black Friday Black Magic. Remember when everyone used to say I was crazy for thinking sports were rigged? I am crazy, but not on this subject. Welcome to reality.
Lotta fantasy nerds bringing out their special sock for Brock Bowers’ box score. I’m just mad I didn’t draft him and can’t join the fun.
Seahawks 26, Jets 21
I love cringe humor and watching people feel so uncomfortable, it’s my favorite. But even I don’t think I can watch Enigma.
Geno Smith is another kindred spirit who is a little too relatable. He does the dumbest shit ever near the endzone, but then makes up for it with an amazing play to win the game. Invoking Steph Curry in a meaningless game for third place in the division? Thats' some shit I would do. I can't help but like this guy.
Bucs 26, Panthers 23
Eagles 24, Ravens 19
49ers 10, Bills 35
So glad we could be a part of Josh Allen's best week ever. Who do you think hates Josh Allen more, his ex-gf or Stefon Diggs?
Gisele: “My husband can not fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.”
Hailee Steinfeld: “Sucks to suck.”
Once I went out with this guy who told me his wife cheated on him with the kids' karate teacher. After getting to know him better I was like I can see that, makes sense. That's also how I feel listening to Brady call games.
Browns 32, Broncos 41
Or at least every Browns game is a thing of true beauty.
Fantasy Power Rankings
It's the last week before the playoffs and the teams are mostly locked in, but if Ruth and/or Matt lose, whoever wins this week between Kelsey and Ed might be able to sneak in.
1 Sara — Allen vs ENM, 9–4
My understanding is that ENM or Ethically Non-Monogamous is like streaming QBs based on matchups. But luckily in this league I have my one true fantasy love, Josh Allen. A real life superhero, you talk about reliability, consistency, doing more with less, and just running through a MFKer face. He's a dream come true. Take all my auction money from now until forever, I'm never going back.
So many things in my life are going badly (my career, my other 6 leagues, the election, co-parenting, and regular parenting to name a few), but somehow the stars have aligned for this little team, and maybe everything will be ok after all.
2 Scott — Da'Ringer, 9–4
Scott's team has been a little more under the radar this year, but don't be fooled by this wolf in sheep's clothing. Scott is a fucking beast grinding so much fantasy content on his east side commute. Fantasy football podcasts ofc, get your head out of the gutter. There are no podcasts on how to make your midwest leaguemate realize he's in love with you. At least not until Scott and Ed record their beautiful journey.
3 Omar — O'Marr's Special Team, 9–4
Motherfucker I told you this was your year!! Omar comin' for all of us! Everyone's favorite may actually be the favorite to win it all this year with King Henry and Ja'Marr Chase on the roster. I see what you did there with your team name, how am I only just noticing this? The sneaky genius of Omar is everywhere.
4 Eli / Bergey – Fucking Eagles, 8–5
Eli's not fucking around this year. I think he's tired of losing to Scott in the playoffs (same). I'm actually pretty concerned that Saquon is going to win a lot of leagues this season. Good thing I drafted him exactly nowhere. Props to this Eagles family.
5 Matt — Bumpy Rhodes, 8–5
As creatives we try to reassure ourselves that AI could never take our jobs. We know better; it can't do what we do. On the other hand, why the fuck does Autodraft mop the floor with us every year? Like how did we let it get Brock Bowers for Matt? Maybe resistance is futile. One of these years we should all punt on drafting, release control, embrace the chaos and see who we end up with.
6 Ruth — raise the ruf, 8–5
Ruth is the best. My favorite part of my job is getting coffee and talking shit with her. My least favorite part is the rest of it. In case anyone thought working in the beauty industry would be fun, just know I would take B2B trucking and logistics over it any day.
I just realized Ruth is 8–5 with only one QB on her roster. One QB in a superflex! And that QB is Mid-Mahomes! What the hell is happening?! I have to conclude that once again Ruth is ahead of the curve and has found some kind of edge or glitch in the Matrix.
7 Kelsey — Necessary Roughness, 7–6
This is one of my favorite teams: two great young QBs (Burrow & Daniels, assuming health), good RBs (Cook, Mixon, Breece Hall possibly faking an injury to avoid playing with Enigma, totally get it). WR is an "area of opportunity" big time, but hey, every team has holes. Week 14 byes have hit Kelsey pretty hard, so Ed might edge her out here.
8 Ed—Flyover Country, 7–6
Josh Jacobs, Bijan and Boswell have taken Ed to the edge of the playoffs, but can the rest of his team step up and get him that playoff berth. Next year we're changing it to 8 playoff teams so all of you can make it.
9 Dana—The Waterboy, 7–6
It's a game of inches and sometimes the ball doesn't roll your way. It's tough to have a winning record in our league, and while you'll just miss the playoffs this year, your team is solid besides Tank Dell. He's been killing me in one league where I'll probably miss the playoffs too.
10 Rob—Some Lockett Hot, 7-6
Something about Rob reminds me of Baker Mayfield, and I mean that as a big compliment. Rob is resilient and the loveable underdog everyone is rooting for who's not actually an underdog because he's winning tough games and getting an awesome new job in a competitive market. I didn't realize you're working for the Sounders and Reign until this week! Seems like a perfect match, like Baker and the Bucs.
11 Bryan—Automatic Garbage, 4–9
Chaq has a pretty good team, and he even has newly starting RB Braelon Allen because my dumb ass threw him in a trade a while back. Unlike the rest of us degenerates, Chaq is probably prioritizing more important things over fantasy like family and work and Oregon football. Congrats on the Big Ten Championship and No. 1 Seed!! I've never been spammed with heartwarming videos of the Oregon football coach (or any college coach) prior to this season, so it must be a sign that this is the year they finally win it all.
12 Jamie—Laces out, 3–10 & 13 Colleen—Hill Yeah!, 3–10
There are so many moms out here in West Seattle hustling every day to set a good example for their kids and give them the best life they possibly can, but these two set the bar. I know how hard it is to do everything by yourself, but you two and Kelsey inspire me so much and give me hope that I can do it too.
14 Chere—What's Kraken, 2–11
I see Chere out here making moves every week, and they're moves I would make too. Sometimes you just get unlucky, but I'm hoping all that luck was distributed somewhere else in your life. It seems like most teams who drafted CMC are at the bottom of their leagues, so it's not your fault!
Happy birthday Omar and happy belated to Bergey, Matt, Chere, and me! Good luck in week 14! Also it's cuffing season, so get your RB handcuffs to keep you warm at night.
xo,
Commish