Midseason Fantasy Football Recap
Expectation vs reality is a real bitch. But as a new Saquon owner I'm just happy Joe Judge did the right thing. Hope springs eternal!
NFL RECAP WEEK 11
Patriots 25, Falcons 0
The argument that Mac Jones was the steal of the draft and is the next Tom Brady, that's like saying Dunkin Donuts has the best coffee. I mean it’s better than Starbucks but still. Ok ok, just kidding! Or am I?
Colts 41, Bills 15
The impossible is possible with God in your backfield. Also I love how all these teams are like "Just wait til we get some receivers, then you'll see", "Just wait til our defense is healthy", "Just wait 5 years til Trey Lance and Trey Sermon have earned my trust". Frank Reich out here dominating with Carson Wentz so everyone can STFU with their bullshit excuses.
Ravens 16, Bears 13
What is dead may never die: redheads. They're inevitable. Welcome back, Andy.
Lions 10, Browns 13
You merely adopted the dark. These people were born in it, molded by it.
Texans 22, Titans 13
Why is the justice system 1000x more predictable than the NFL? Also Mike Vrabel wants his dick back. The worst part of this entire situation is that Brandin Cooks only got 2 points. Brutal.
Packers 31, Vikings 34
Two critical thinkers walk into a stadium... Based on my independent research (I read all those Divergent books only to realize this shit was about Jesus *sigh), I decided Cousins is less hatable. Vikings fans and Mike Zimmer may disagree.
Saints 29, Eagles 40
When you water the plants and tend to the soil and then holy shit! Jalen Hurts blooms into a legit fantasy superstar.
Washington 27, Panthers 21
With Cam and Heinicke posting QB1 performances, there really are no losers here.
Niners 30, Jaguars 10
Based on niners twitter, you'd think they had a 3 game lead on the 1 seed. IT'S THE FUCKING JAGUARS. We've seen video of Urban Meyer's game prep, very hands on. So talk to me when we have an actual winning record and we're not a few weeks out from getting our ass kicked by Colt McCoy.
Bengals 32, Raiders 13
I think what the Raiders are missing is an outside threat who can go 190mph and an executive to send offensive emails. For the culture.
Cowboys 9, Chiefs 19
I don't have the headspace to dissect this massive disappointment of a game, but if I did it would most likely lead to Mike McCarthy.
Cardinals 23, Seahawks 13
As much as I want to make fun of the Seahawks here, this game actually reminds me of something I get asked a lot (usually by married people). "What's online dating like?" Well, I’ll explain it in the best way I can. From my experience, it's a lot like looking for a tight end on the waiver wire. I'm sure I have some kind of unhealthy scarcity mindset, and it's not like draft Travis Kelce or be alone for the rest of your life. But it's more like temper your expectations because you might be excited about late-round gem Dawson Knox but then he breaks his hand. Dan Arnold has a really solid month and then inexplicably ghosts you in week 11. Zach Ertz with 9 targets, 2 TDs feels like a fake profile. I drafted Darren Waller in a league because I'm too old for this shit. But at the same time I'll happily take this over being married to Vance McDonald for the rest of my life. So yeah, Dallas Goedert/Dalton Schultz, let's do this!
But also, I have to say something about this game because even soldiers of Jesus must be held accountable:
Steelers 37, Chargers 41
Is there anything more pure in this world than a Justin Herbert to Austin Ekeler touchdown? I'll wait.
Giants 10, Bucs 30
I came for football but stayed for Eddie Bauer fashion and Julian Edelman. Totally worth 3 hours of my time.
POWER RANKINGS
Tier 1 — Champagne Problems | Record: 8-3
These people have a two game lead on everyone else with only 3 weeks left until the playoffs. MBFN.
1. Scott reclaims the pole position. For a team that lost CMC and Kyler for multiple weeks, it's great to see this resilience!
2. Chere also has a solid team and should be getting Lamar and Hunt back soon.
3. Matt is out to prove last year wasn't a fluke. And that he's better than all of us because he works at PCC and we all work at Amazon (mostly). Health equals wealth, bro.
Tier 2 — Hot n Cold | Record: 6-5, 5-6
Too fucking close!!
4. (Sara) Jonathan Taylor is carrying the Colts and two of my fantasy teams, but does he realize he's also shouldering the burden of my happiness and well-being?
5. Ruth had the balls to go Zero RB and has made it this far with Melvin Gordon and Devin Singletary. I thought Zero RB was a myth or a legend, not something I'd actually witness in my lifetime. Thanks for running the experiment and gathering data IRL!
6. Omar has a team that I'm pretty jealous of which includes Stafford, Deebo, and Nick Chubb.
7. Eli is knocking on the playoff door and may just sneak in with Hurts and Cook.
8. Colleen completely fleeced me in a trade (per usual) and has a really good team as long as she remembers to set her lineup; the game within the game if you will.
9. A dude on Kelsey's team probably got a fake vaxx card. Needless to say, it's been an up and down season but she's still in it. Might want to post something on the gram asking them to get tougher or call someone a “fat fucking piece of shit”. Randy Bullock is still in the league so it must have worked wonders.
Tier 3 — Dark Horse | Record: 4-7, 2-9
Counter to popular belief, you are not always what your record says you are. Unless you’re Kyle Shanahan in which case you’re a fucking loser.
10. Jamie has had the most points scored against her which could explain how she got in this situation.
11. Ed's team is another one of my favorites. I may have dynasty brain but what could be more exciting than starting Kadarius Toney, Elijah Moore, and Justin Herbert? Love it!
12. Rob is probably gonna beat me this week so I won't feel too sorry for him. It's unthinkable that a team with Justin Jefferson and Cooper Kupp could be in last place, but here we are.
Love you all and good luck in week 12! Positive vibes, even for Rob.
xo,
Commish